I took a break from Instagram earlier this year as I was just over it. To me, it was toxic. It was wasting my time and I would often spend time looking at other accounts wishing I looked like them or wishing my work was like theirs. I wanted to be successful, and everything online was telling me that I need to hustle. I needed to work, work, work and then work some more. I would take on more work than I could handle because I thought that's what I had to do, I couldn't say no. So I wrote a whole blog post about that time I took off and you can read it here.
After writing that post, I was ready to come back. I felt recharged and I had all these plans. I was going to blog my reflections throughout Ramadan and had products lined up for Eid (including some ridiculously cute wrapping paper that i'm still super bummed I didn't get to share with you all). I managed a few posts at the beginning of Ramadan...then I found out I was pregnant! What do you do when you finally get something that you have wanted and prayed and dreamed of for so long? I was beyond happy but I was also nervous and scared, I didn't want to share this news with anyone but at the same time I wanted to shout it from the rooftops.
If you've been following me for some time you may have read a post on my Instagram (which I deleted because I didn't like the way it looked on my feed *eye roll*) on the topic of infertility after Aida from The Shawl Label and I did a podcast on this topic which you can listen to here.
So there I was, pregnant, happy, nervous and scared. And then came the morning sickness (which i'll talk about in a future blogpost). I decided then, that I wanted to really experience and be present during this pregnancy. I wanted to feel everything. I wanted to notice every change. I wanted to enjoy every part of this journey. I wanted to live a slow life. A focused life.
But we were living in Sydney, 9kms out from the city and on a main road, we were in a little one bedroom apartment that we were paying way too much for and all you could hear, all day, was traffic. In the name of transparency, i'm going to tell you guys that I wasn't happy. I progressively became unhappier as time went on, we were isolated and about 40 minutes away from the closest Muslim community. I was pregnant and the first trimester was really hard, I missed my family. I missed my mum so much. I was so lonely. My morning sickness was so bad at one point that I couldn't even look at my phone without feeling nauseous. Working from home doesn't help with the isolation, the only people i'd come in contact with (aside from F) were the cashiers at the grocery store, the florist and the printers.
Aside from being unhappy, we both knew that Sydney wasn't the place we wanted to bring up our children. We didn't want to have to continue living in a one bedroom apartment because of the overpriced property market in Sydney. We didn't want to be so far away from family and friends. So we decided we wanted to move back to Queensland. We both didn't know if this was actually going to happen as it largely depended on F finding a job but Allah is really the best of planners and so incredibly Merciful. F got a job, a great one at that and although it's not in the same city as our family, we're only 1.5 hours away...not 12.